how can i feel so close yet..

I am in the midst of two books. This is the first time since college I have been reading out of two books at the same time, but this time is for my own enjoyment. I am reading Rob Bell's new book Sex God and Don Miller's book Blue LIke Jazz. Rob's book is one i totally connect with and am in awe of his thoughts and teaching. Don Miller's work quiet frankly pisses me off. I love it! I think he takes great pleasure in saying things that he knows will get people upset. I being one of them. It is all great stuff. So all of this study is being followed up with about 5 weekly podcasts that dive into everything from Youth ministry to worship leading to Christian pop culture. I feel like a sponge at the moment, trying to take everything in, trying to grow, trying to improve, trying to feel closer to God. How can I feel so close, yet be so far away?

So I decided to drop a few Podcasts a couple of months ago. I just did not have time to listen to all of them or they were just not reaching me. So I unsubscribed to a few of them and I feel a little better about the amount of time I was spending listening to Pod Casts. I grabed my ipod and fired up my weekely lessons and I found that one of my old podcasts came back? I am not sure what happened, or how it got there, but I continued to listen and i found out that it was actually an interview with Donald Miller? It was a great interview. He actually answered some questions I had that had really been bothering me about the last time I heard him speak. Mind you he was still not the bearer of great news, but he did make me feel alot better about his previous comments. Thanks Don.

Now I am listening to Rob's book, he is talking about Jesus always chooses the path of love. Is that the path I always take? I wish I could answer that question with an immediate YES. Unfortunately, I can't answer that queston so quickly. I find that I want to love people, but I find it hard at times. I have a much easier time loving people I don't know. There is no risk. If they turn me down and don't allow me to love them, then I just move on. The risk is taken when I try to love people I know, people I am close to, or have relationships with already. I find myself in the middle of drama. This drama allows for me to choose a side, to be angry with people i should love. It is crazy. Why does this drama happen in our church? It is no wonder why people look at the church and say "Why would I want to go in, they are just as messed up as the rest of the world." It is so much easier to be mad. It makes me feel better to close off and build a wall between myself and the conflict or the actual people who I have trouble loving. Being angry takes no risk on my part. I do not have to work hard to ignore these people. I need to take the risk. It could blow up in my face, but I know I need to love them. It doesn't mean I can't confront them. But I must love them. I want to love them.

I find myself with all of this advice, all of these resources that should help me through these situations. It is interesting that I find myself with all of the tools, but I don't quite know how to use them. I have all of these things that should bring me closer to Christ, but yet I actually feel so far away from God's love. I find myself frustrated, rather than loved. I realize only when I let go and let God help me love these people who make me furious, will I find that I may allow myself to be loved by God. I need to take the risk!